So I'm still struggling with figuring out myself and my head. Every once in a while I watch or read something which gives me this boost of motivation or an idea for a positive change. Yesterday I watched "Eat Pray Love" and started feeling like I really need a change of setting to something extreme, like go out find some volunteering job in a hidden corner of the world, where I'm away from all my everyday luxuries and just my life. I even looked up some websites, and found this quite compelling thing in Tibet. But all the logistics of it like getting a visa and health insurance are really bothersome, especially that I don't really have saved up money since I never had a job. It's not impossible, it's just an obstacle. Honestly, I believe going somewhere like that would make a big positive change to my life, giving me a lot of new perspective, but then again I just think about benefits for myself, rather than just truly wanting to help those people, which feels somewhat wrong.
Well either way, I feel like I really should go on some sort of roadtrip or journey into a completely new place, into wilderness. I need this change of scenery every once in a while, that's why moving to Sweden felt so good at the beginning. But in the end is just same old same old. Me sitting in my room, not feeling like focusing on the school or work, while still pulling through pretty well. Most of all though is the social aspect that hasn't changed. 1-2 local friends that I meet occasionally and talk about hobbies and a couple more friends online that I get in touch with every couple of months.
I just read a chapter about "oneness" in a book that a friend borrowed me, about how the author and we are supposed to believe everyone is connected and feel it. But I could never feel that. I always felt incredibly disconnected from everyone, and whenever I try to stay in touch, talk to people, be friendly I'm met with passivity and negativity or just very surface friendliness. That all makes it really difficult for me to believe there's anything more in relationship with people. I was thinking about the same watching "Eat Pray Love" and bunch of other movie. What's the deal about love? Does it really exist? It might sound weird but I have never experienced that. I don't know what it means to love someone. I do have some pretty amazing friends who sometimes make me feel a little bit of what might be love, but I can never imagine them as those super reliable friends from tv and movies, that you can always rely on no matter what and call them in the middle of the night. Everyone has their own life and focuses on that, as people have proved me multiple times. But then again, I'm not the perfect example myself. Sometimes I take incredibly long times to reply to messages, because I'm lazy or just somehow lacking the courage to read what someone wrote to me. Clearly I have a lot of social issues, and some of them, like with replying to the messages, I wonder where those come from.
In "Eat Pray Love" there was something about people finding their word. And it just randomly popped in my head a while ago that my word would be "solitude". That was even the name of my first blog back in 2004. And that aspect of my life hasn't really change since then. I'm just so used to doing everything alone, not waiting for people to join me in activities and not waiting for them to offer me to join. And my previous experiences mostly taught me not to trust people in general, and that groups of great and reliable friends exist in a different world from mine. Same as relationships. I really don't understand what it means to be close to someone and to feel connected. Am I broken? Is part of my brain or something underdeveloped so I just can't form connections with people? Or that I can't see them? Feel them? And how am I supposed to suddenly believe that we're all connected if I haven't felt that with even one single person before? Really this entire concept of love that the world seems to be so obsessed about, singing songs, making movies, writing novels, just seems so completely foreign. All I've even known and experienced was isolation, disconnection, solitude, just on various levels of depth. Is there a way I can just learn the opposite? Try to believe and "fake it till you make it"? Unconditionally caring about someone and someone unconditionally caring about me? Is that even possible?
There was this TED talk I once watched and the speaker mentioned "chronic loneliness", and that somehow resonated with me. I don't know if that's what I feel, mostly because I never really had a contrast, it's my default state to be alone and disconnected, sometimes by choice, sometimes because that's just how it is and how it's always been.
I'm messed up. It's really like my mind is broken not understanding the basic concepts that seem to rule the world.
I'm done with all this dating bullshit I went through the last months. It was fun and exciting at first, because I was getting attention, and it was quite exhilarating. Meeting new people was so exciting, but I noticed their excitement fade away much faster than mine. First guy I met kept his interest the longest, but I just felt miserable through most of it, because he barely ever responded to messages, so I just felt constantly ignored. He claimed that to be normal, he had anxiety issues and wanted to get away from people for the most part. But still obviously I hoped that maybe I could be a bit special, but he killed that thought in cold blood. That was relly weird, because I was really trying to be my cheerful funny self, but most of the time I just got shut down and I felt very uncomfortable around him. Yeah, but I guess that's how it is dealing with people with depression, I always think I can save them, because I'm strong and I have quite a lot of positive energy, but in the end I can't, or they don't want to be saved. I know it's not that simple, but I'm always willing to try. Either way, we hanged out for like 2-3 months, after 2 first weeks it was starting to get more and more difficult for him to find time, and I was frustrated by him always waiting for other people to confirm if he is free or not. I was really attracted and fascinated at first, I thought it could be something, but in the end we ended us as just fuck buddies and eventually we let the contact die out.
Meanwhile that crysis I decided to look for someone else. And I found one, he was definitely top of my list. And took me out on a proper date, which was first time ever for me. It was great! I felt super confortable and not awkward at all, one of the best evenings ever. and he was such a cool person. He "promised" me a second date. Since we already got to know each other I thought it was okay to just casually text him next day when I was a bit bored and wanted to talk to someone. Apparently biggest mistake ever. Sudden change of mind, "you're fun to be around, but let's just be friends". I wanted to clea that up, and apperently made even bigger mistake and he never relied again. I don't think I could have kept "just friends" with a person that I found so attractive anyway. But in the end he was just an ordinary playboy and I fell in the trap, because I thought I might have his respect etc. as a fellow gamer and a person seriously working their way into the gaming industry. But it doesn't work like that.
So after that I went back to my fuck buddy for a bit, but that was very much the breaking point. I decided I'm not gonna go for guys I'm attracted to because in the end no one wants anything, and I just end up getting hurt, disappointed and losing faith in humanity. And then suddenly a new guy texted me, about my Vi cosplay/gauntlet. Which was so amazing, because he knew League of Legends, and he recognized the character! He also talked a lot, and was friendly, which was a nice change from the previous two. Almost too much for my liking. But he could follow my silly jokes and whatnot, and that was amazing. So we finally met and I knew I wasn't really attracted to him, yet he fulfilled all my basic requirements. But there was just something in the way he talked and overall intelligence that didn't really work out. But I though, what the hell, he wants company, I want company, he's nice, and I can make compromises, at least for now, because I want someone chill and positive around me. Some week or so later, I got another "let's downgrade our friendship to mostly friends". So there it is again, I did nothing in particular preceding that, I tried to be friendly, but not overly friendly, and I tried to balance it out. Well, I though, it's not the end of the world, I knew he wouldn't be a material for a serious boyfriend, not that I wanted one anyway. But then the contact frequency going down terribly, silent days and all. And a while ago today the full stop comes "let's just be friends". What did I do wrong? Why do I scare everyone away? I try to be friendly and positive, even if I'm forcing myself, because I don't wanna appear depressing to people I just met. And the same thing all over again. Case after case. Also, apperently another one with anxiety issues, but not apparent until recently. So I don't know, it seems like unintendedly I have this aura of making people anxious. I try to learn by my mistakes, but I either can't control them or some uncontrollable force works behind the scenes.
I'm so damn tired of all this bullshit, of all the killed hopes, of everyone claiming they're a "giver" and in the end being just another jerk, while I'm the one ready to make comprimises. In the end all the did was disrupt my life with their indesisiveness, and lack of forward-planning. I don't have school or work now, so I'm available at any times pretty much, but it doesn't mean I can't have other personal plans. Yet, I was willing to adapt, because I knew my personal plans could be rescheduled. Usually it was more disruption than it was worth it, especially now in hindsight. So totally not worth it.
A friend of mine asked me a couple of times what I want. And I think I know what I want, although all those experiences definitely helped me clarify it. What I realized just now is that they don't fucking know what they want, and I just end up being a victim of that. Because it's just "be chill, go with the flow". I'm not a fucking floater, I have plans, goals, most of the things in my life are defined, and I know why I'm doing things I'm doing or planning to do. But that doesn't seem to be the case for them, and most likely other people to. So after being burned three times I retire from this dating bullshit. It's not worth it. I've been alone my entire life and apparently that's the way it has to be, whether I like it or not. I've never been normal, and a normal life apparently is not for me, even if I wanted to try. It just sucks. I'm so fucking frustrated now, and I'd just like to punch something, physically, not in a game.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. It’s been 3 months since I decided to take a break, and I haven’t done anything ever since. The first days, maybe first 2 weeks were amazing, I finally felt free, I could breathe again. I kept telling myself that until GDC I don’t wanna have to focus on anything else but making portfolio and business cards and having something to show for myself once I’m there. I knew that eventually I should find a job, but preparing for GDC was more important. I never, however, did that. I managed to do some last minute business cards, but the more important portfolio part stayed as unfinished as it ever was. And while there I realised that even if I had a portfolio I had nothing relevant in there, and I felt like the only person there who never actually have worked on a game. It was overwhelming and intimidating rather than inspiring. But it did give me a boost of motivation to start working on a game.
Meanwhile, the university library offered me a project, to collect their materials into a presentable way, something they could show at conferences etc. It was for money and I need money, so of course I agreed, seems like something I can pull off. I’ve had a couple of meetings with them now, and the last meeting got me particularly motivated and inspired, even though to be honest, I’m not so excited about the topic itself. It’s the first time I’d be working on a non-school project. I have never ever had a job and never had to approach anything seriously and professionally. Can I do that? Can I break my working right before the deadline habit? It’s like I want to work, but there’s something there telling me I still have time and prevents me from actually doing anything. And there also fear and doubt of how can I do something I’ve never done before and I have no one to help me out. I’m so bad at working on my own, I feel I need constant input from others, some sort of validation, feedback. I hate being stuck in my own head. On one side I know I can do this, because it’s graphic design, I’ve done it for long enough, and people tend to like what I’ve done. On the other side, it’s a completely new audience, a new challenge. I want it to look professional, impressive, unique, but I’ve never done stuff like that.
I also recently decided to sign up for game design course online. Because in the end I want to make games, and just a small complementary course on game design would be great to go with my recent general design education. I also have too much time on my hands, so adding something seemed like a good choice. Until a week passed and I was rushing assignments in less than 24 hours before the deadline, again. I also have this awful attitude that I just wanna keep doing what I know, and just wing something because it seems good enough. It’s not helping with learning.
Really, I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like a looser I never wanted to become. From student union VP and chief editor of the school magazine to this. I’ve been sitting at home for 3 months, thinking that I have to work on my portfolio, thinking about the things I should and have to do, but instead I just end up playing League of Legends and Xbox games all day until I feel sick of it. I don’t even have as much motivation and energy to go to the gym anymore. I’m feeling so drained. And everyone around me have their life and their jobs. But I don’t know what it feels like to work, or to apply for a job, because I never did. All my life I've been led by the hend, pushed between educational institutions, and I just don't know how to get into the real world. "Just do it" does not work, it's too overwhelming... And I know I have to do that if I want to stay here, and I do, because I have my friends and my life here now. Nothing scares me more now than the thought I might need to go back home to Poland if I can’t find anything. And that i will be stuck in my tiny uncomfortable and cluttered room living with my mom under her constant observation. The thought about it is like a paralysing fear. So I should do everything I can to prevent that from happening, but I don’t know how. Everywhere I go I hear how hard it is to get a job while not speaking Swedish. And I can’t afford taking an advanced Swedish course, and I can’t find motivation to take the books myself and start studying on my own.
Again, I’m stuck in the cycle of thinking of what I have to do, what I should do, what I could do. And it stresses me out. I can’t focus on anything. Once I start doing something I get this irrational anxiety I should be doing something else right now, because it feels more important, even though I know it’s not. And in the end I dabble on everything and can’t do anything, just think and think and think more. I can’t focus on video games anymore either, because escaping doesn’t work anymore.
I would like to have a job where I don’t have to work alone, where all I have to do is complete my task for the day, go home and chill. Where I don’t have to think about the million other things I should or could be doing at that time. But jobs like that are mostly customer service jobs are these are obviously in (native) Swedish only… I want a job where someone tells me what to do and the freedom to complain that I don't like it, rather than having to figure everything out on my own.
As I went on my short nostalgia trip, going back to my high school years by reading xcoveredincakex (my older blog). I realized I've pretty much always went all-in in one fandom. So I thought i'll just try listing them for the record, with some approximate dates / points in time. So that I won't forget in future. I'm listing only the super serious ones, where I started getting all the merch, reading bunch of things about the fandom, and not imagining life without it.
2005 - 2007
My Chemical Romance
2007 - 2011
Devil May Cry
2009 - 2011
2014 - present
League of Legends
This non-fandom period is actually pretty scary. I think at that time I just really obsessed about Japanese (lanuage), various anime and vidoe games. Then League of Legends brought me back to worshipping one thing above all others. It feels so right to me, even if others might think it's wrong.
I was also a bit conflicted if I should add Harry POtter to the list, but I never really obsessed about it as much as about other IPs (I hate to call them IPs, but I don't know what's a better word...)
I just played "Emily is Away" what triggered me to read my old blog. There's a tinge of an angsty teen in there, but a cool one (at least what i perceive as cool now). I feel like I'm finally doing something about doing *something* with my life. Now, finally, compared to others, it doesn't feel like I'm letting chances go by. I'm all in in my life, nearly. Social aspect still sucks, but I got used to it years ago, maybe not the best thing to get used to, but there's really no other alternative.
Here are some angsty highlights, but, damn, I still agree, haha.
I also started reading this teeny book "This Song Saved My Life". (I feel like I'll be a teen forever, really), and that main character is so similar too me, different setting and all, but if there was anything I truly looked up to in my life it was music, and now looking at this old livejournal with always picking songs and lyrics, haha. Awesome. And that main character in this book is so cool. For one I think I'm gonna trade my gaming time for a book time. Haven't happened in a LOOOOONG time. Teen books FTW, haha.
I'm really missing not having a personal blog, like a diary blog, for personal life and feelings, like it was in the past. no more possibility to write out my issues out in the open.
I feel like I'm having done serious issues now. I didn't do much work last week so I planned to work this week properly, full time. stated home on Monday and did nothing, same today. considering staying home tomorrow too. I watched a movie and now it's 5 am. heh. somehow, I just don't care. what's the purpose anyway?
My life is weird now. I have awesome classmates and friends, and more social life than ever. everyday I go to the gym and start to feel better about my body. but I'm still so horribly lonely and not motivated. I like all the things I'm doing now, some more than others, but I really find it hard to find a reason to get up in the morning. I really want a boyfriend, somewhat for whom I'd matter and who could be by my side. I really start lifting hope it will ever happen. probably not in Sweden at least...
Movies usually make me go into some sort of nostalgic thoughtful mood. I just watched Chalet Girl, about a girl who learns snowboarding. And it reminded me how much I love snowboarding! And I really do. I might not have experienced that much different types of snowboarding. And I'm not really that awesome at it. I'm actually pretty average, but I love it. I started browsing my pictures from the past. And then it got all nostalgic. The people I used to know and hang out with for some short periods of time. A guy that I think I liked, but being the awkward weird me, I didn't know what to do. Some people who later turned out to be assholes, voluntarily or indirectly. And all the drama when I didn't go to the competition even though the coach told me I was chosen, because someone stole my place and I spent a night crying. I should get over it, but it still hurts, it's good to remember people can be treacherous cunts, I guess. So many memories from my winter camps. I never really had a snowboarding buddy, and I hanged out with random people in the group or alone, which was much less awkward. Once, though, I snowboarded in a group of 3, it was amazing! I want to have people to fool around with. And I also wanna learn more, and pass the knowledge and love. I really want to become a snowboarding instructor, if I ever got a chance. I love it so so so much. It's just really hard to put in words.
And then I started browsing through my old pictured on facebook, that I also used to play guitar, and apparently better than I remembered. My family have always been supportive of my interests, for which I'm really thankful. I wish I had time and money to continue with everything. I'm still not working, so technically I have time, but now I have a new interest - video games. And while it's not as constructive as playing an instrument I really like it to, so there goes time. And snowboarding is obviously case of money, because going somewhere costs, especially now that I study and live abroad. I chose to go abroad, I love it here, but surely my resources and options are limited. No more occasional beer at a pub with a friend, no snowboarding, no more going to movies or shopping to a shopping mall, no more concerts also. Thinking about it like that gets depressing.
On the other hand I started jogging last week, so I'm trying to do some slight change to my sitting-at-home lifestyle. I never had that many friend here, and those I hanged out with left. I'm not bored though, I have quite a lot of things to do. I'm pretty happy with my life. But looking through all those pictures reminded me of the fun days and times, like that one time when we went longboarding with a friend, and some cars (most likely) honked on us (even though we were on the bike lane), I like to think because we were looking cool, 2 girls on longboards. And that's also what I got thanks to coming to Sweden - longboarding. I like it a lot, I wish I had the courage for something more than just riding in a straight-ish line.
Thing is, I do feel I'm getting old, kinda. Gotta think about future more for real now. And honestly, 5 years ago I had much clearer vision of what I wanna do than I do now. I guess my life was much more overall constructive then too, ironically. I'm hoping that now, studying design, finally will put me on the right path, when I get to do what I like, or love. I'm pretty confused. But recently, I'm all about this "I'm still young, I like my life, and I'm gonna do whatever I want with it", duh, gonna be 24 this year, it's annoying. I wanna stay 21 forever. I wanna have fun and experience thing I haven't in the past. I wanna be stupid with more people, I guess. Bwaaaaah >_>
I also miss writing a blog. I do have my blog about Sweden, but it feels like my mom is the only person who reads it, and it's just awkward, and then she answers to everything on Skype. Same with the twitter account I created since I don't have time/motivation for blogging there. I want my anonymous internet again, I guess. My mom's constant looking for news from me bothers me, A LOT. Sometimes I just wish things were like in the past. I also wish I had more contact with my friends, and dunno, just infinite amount of time, to do whatever i want, without getting older. There's so many things I wanna do, and that I would be capable of doing if I had either time or money, or both.
I started writing. 2 paragraphs later my heart starts thumping and I'm all excited. I'm writing about games, and I get to express my opinion. I love writing, and I love expressing opinions, I love videogames and talking about them. I even might have enough proof that what I'm saying makes true.
But I can't help the anxiety that there's not that much to follow those two paragraphs, that it will be done too soon. And the thought that I'm not allowed to have my own opinion lingers above me, the "what's right and what's wrong thing". I'm merely collecting all the stuff, I read and heard in a form of a text. And the more I watch and read the more I see there were more people with opinion like mine, and they've written books, some of them insanely interesting. So what am I even doing here?
Despite all that, I couldn't seem to find an article talking about that, a scientific article. Is it because books are expressing opinions and articles are not? My writing style is surely more book-like, I enjoy asking questions, without answering them, and I like expressing my opinion. There might be a problem, and I can try to outline it, but I don't have a solution, because it's all so subjective. At this point I don't even know what solution I would like to see, because I like variety.
For now, it's just fun to try to write about it. I wish there were no annoying formal constraints about the form. But I guess I'm gonna go with the "fuck it" approach and do it my way. Weirdly enough, I'd rather do something my way and fail rather than struggle and torture myself into conforming with the idiotic constraints. I'm not a researcher and I will never be one. I'm a gamer with my own opinions and preferences, and there's quite a high chance I'll stay one, even if it's not a valid "career". I want to have fun writing this, I've been stressing way too much recently about all those formal constraints. I see a fail on the horizon, I don't care, lol.
It's weird how it works. It feels like I've always had blogs on the internet. But now LJ is deserted, and I'm certainly not gonna post blog-style stuff on facebook. But I still like writing and having some sort of a journal. So I almost completely reverted to a paper one. From paper to the digital one to paper again. It's odd. But if no one reads it here then what's the point? And previously it was a means of getting to know other people, strangers. Now it's all just limiting to the people you already know. I never liked that.
I feel like whining and complaining about my thesis stuff, but I don't want to be judged by the people I know. And because of that I have no where to write about it. Now, even on twitter there are some people who I don't want to read what I write, but blocking them would be rude.
Even my blog about Sweden, the only person who reads it is my mom. And what's the point trying to write there? I'm no longer an exchange student, I'm not doing all the fun stuff and fun trips with my international friends. And whenever I post something on the blog there or twitter I get bunch of questions or wherever else messages from her. So what if I am secretive? For some reason I don't want to share my everyday life with my family. I don't want to hear their opinions and advices unless I explicitly ask.
The internet has been ruined and taken away from me. I want to have it back, as it used to be those over 5 years ago...
From time to time I end up browsing cosplay pictures, sometimes save pictures of the really good ones. I just never really follow. I remember watching a video about choosing the official cosplayer for Lollipop Chainsaw some long time ago. A few months later I actually found that cosplayer again - Jessica Nigri, without actually realizing it was her in the videos, I just thought she looks kind of the same. And then I started following her, and then some more people, and then I saw this awesomely talented person, Kamui, who some of my friends follows on facebook. And then it just got more and more and more. I just love watching talented people. The armor that Kamui makes are just insane! But I'm so surprised there so many people like her! So talented and so active. Same goes for Jessica, even though she might have her "lazy" versions of costumes, they seem really well fit and good looking, not just some home-made makeshift cosplay, they're totally fully professional costumes. I'm just so full of appreciation for those people.
So recently, I've been just watching bunch of pictures. Just finished another round, and added one more person to the follow list. It's insane! But another thing is, apart from awesome costumes, if that I really like looking at the perfect bodies of cosplayers! They actually need to be fit to present the costumes well. I just can't seem to like cosplay when girls (mostly) are somewhat chubby. Of course cosplay is for fun etc. But it just doesn't look that good on a non-skinny person, basically. And in all cases it has to be really well fit to the person. If the costume is too exposing or too skinny, but the cosplayer is not it just doesn't look right. And so, I totally appreciate cosplayers who take it seriously, and train their bodies to present the characters properly. Actually, for me it just makes so much sense, to actually train for a specific goal like that rather than just train for being fit or be able to wear clothes size smaller. In any case, I really do love watching the professional section of cosplay, where people are very talented, damn good looking and motivated to stay that way, and truly geeky. There can't be a better combination!
I was actually thinking, and that's super stupid, trivial, and following the trend, but I would indeed want to try to do some cosplay in my life. Just once, really well made, for myself, not to boast about it, and go to some neighborhood con. It just would be cool, to do something so creative. Something that I could spend several months on doing, and that I could actually train my body to look decent. But then in fact it's all so difficult to make it professionally, it requires all the materials and tools, like heat gun or hot glue gun, fabrics, sewing machine. I've been just recently wondering if maybe the design school I'm gonna study at next year has all those, at least I know they have glue gun, so why not others? I would just want to make something epic in my life. I'm still so much in the Devil May Cry fandom, I love DMC3 to bits! I love Trish, and her outfit is pretty simple, and maybe some female version of Vergil, which would be the most epic thing ever. I could totally pull that one with a "home made" cosplay, since I do have a long blue leather coat, white wig, and Vergil style boots and a scarf, hahaha. But nope. Lady's out of the question because of her bazooka, and boots. Then there's Lucia, who's fairly simple, and I even recently managed to match her hair color, but she has her daggers... That would be totally awesome to try to do something. I wish I ever had time, money and motivation to do that. I know it's a trend and all that, but it just would be nice to do something. Like seriously, I would try to do Lucia and Vergil. Maybe someday.