Indeed, it scares me and makes me go into emo mood. I've spent 8.5 months here in Sweden, after 1st semester I felt it would be difficult to go home, and I knew it would feel totally impossible after the second semester here. And so it does. I try to prolong my stay here for one month, until end of July.

Now, I got accommodated here more than ever. I love my room, I like the weather here and the colors and everything is just being perfect.

I believe those 2 last months made it so much more difficult in fact. That is since I started to talk with Alexander. In fact, we meet almost every day, waste shitload of time together, cause it's fun to have somebody to talk to. I don't really have other friends here, and I'm certainly not a party-goer type, nor is he. So we spend our time on games, movies, nerd talks at 3 or 4 am. And even if we're not together we chat on Skype almost all the time. It's good to have an emo-mood remedy which works both ways. And we're not even in a relationship, we're "just" friends. It makes things both easier and more difficult. Cause the kind of friendship between us is like the one I have with my other friends, friendship that I'm quite sure stays. And so, later, being in different countries, I can't quite imagine that. Those 2 months were truly intensive, meeting so often and then what? Skype only. Nobody to hug and laugh with? Have sock-fights with? And this is so wonderful that I can behave however I want, I can look however bad-hair-day I have and be too lazy for makeup, act stupid and say stupid things, cause friends like that don't get offended nor they stop liking me, I don't have to act nicely all the time, which is so awesome about this kind of friendship. But recently it's getting totally confusing, for both of us. I'm quite sure I don't want a relationship. Friendship in this case seams stronger and more lasting, and I'm gonna leave Sweden soon. Even if I'm gonna come back here, I'm not going back to Linköping anyway.

I really got to like Sweden a lot for some reason. Since I met Alexander I also get some information about the country, customs etc. even though he doesn't even eat the traditional Swedish food. Somehow I wanna be part of this world. I wanna learn Swedish and live in between Swedish people. Yesterday, when I was complaining how much I dislike other foreign students, he said he does too, and I have a Swedish mindset. True, but it's was nice to hear it from somebody else. I feel I fit in here. And if I were to stay, I don't wanna be part of a "Polish group" nor any "foreign group" I wanna be among Swedish people, blend in. They are damn interesting people, once you get to know them a bit more, once they give you a chance. But they have their friends, and not speaking Swedish doesn't help. I wanna speak Swedish.

So, I downloaded Skyrim 3 days ago, and started playing right away. I was curious what's so cool about this game, that people keep talking about it all the time. And it's also my first rpg game to play, after Morrowind of which i have really bad memories... that decided that i don't wanna play any more rpg. But here somehow after being familiar with games in general, everything is quite clear, the objectives, menus. Just the world is huuuuuuuge and locations too, I hate huge dungeons, they are scary.

Anyway, so far I wasted like 5-6 hrs yesterday on the game, the day before around 5 hrs, today next 5 hrs. Damn, quests get completed, and i'm a fucking quest-completing hunter. Game for me is totally nerdish and quite average, but my inner self tells me to complete quests, like on facebook games, but there sooner or later comes the part where you don't have enough ppl to play and have to pay real money. Then I give up the game, ofc, here such situation is not happening, so I'm afraid I can actually finish the game one day... So far I'm coping quite good.
I guess I'll do a big dungeon tomorrow and that would be enough gameplay for the day.

I've gotta study for a damn exam. And, ofc, it's when I have most motivation for gaming...

Current Mood: contemplative

LOL, just updated and I'm in Sweden, then stumbled on xcoveredincakex and started to read through the old stuff a bit. I can't believe I've had it since 2006. It seems so long ago now! And that I actually used more-than-decent English back then. It's fun to read a bit of that, about school and internet back then. Those were the times! I had time and motivation for webdesign and those small graphics and for fangirling, lol.

No doubt, a lot has changed since then, part of me stayed the same, the part that goes emo and has a lot of problems with people around, and don't really have any close friends. Well, that ain't that easy to change and I'm not entirely sure I want or know how at the very least.

Anyway, now I'm really better than ever. I believe most of that it's thanks to actually being able to live alone and manage my time on my own, not depending on anybody. I feel so totally Swedish, lol. And I really got to like Sweden a lot. More than I ever expected I would.

Even though I'm tired and just several days ago I had a flu, and still not back to the full strength, it's fine. And I've got a bit of other worries about my health, but it's so damn hard to motivate myself to go to call a doctor... Anyway, it's fine, I'm having good days.

Too bad I should finally start studying...

Current Mood: chipper

Nie mogę się doczekać kiedy się w końcu wyprowadzę, tak niesamowicie nie mogę się doczekać. Najdłuższe półtora tygodnia na świecie....

It's been a while since I made a kind of unprotected personal entry.

I just caught myself at being confused about everything again. I want to do so many things in life and I have to make choices and priorities. And it's always not enough time, everything's not right.

Right now I'm back on stage of scene fascination. That means the half-face-covering bangs, tattoos, ear plugs, metalcore/post-hardcore/electronic for music, high heels, etc. Like pretty much Kat von D style. I'm so damn fascinated by that, I've always been, it only comes in waves that sometimes I am much more into that stuff. I always end up mixing styles and coming up with some kind of my interpretation cause I'm chickening out of going full-out on something. Plus there's so many styles I like I just cannot decide.

And there's the fact that I live in Poland, and that I'm no youtube star nor want to be. I'm at a freaking technical university! I'm supposed to be a plain person getting their job done right and in time. But I can't. I fucking want to be able to do whatever body modification and work with cool people later. But that doesn't sound like my life. And I don't believe it could.

That doesn't change the fact that I'm dead-set on the semi-sleeve tattoo, and I'm gonna get it as soon as I save up enough money for that. And recently I'm thinking of realizing my long-time-ago dream of getting ear plugs. Sorta lost interest in dangling earrings lately. But since it's a lengthy process I will have a lot of time to make a decision, let alone that I can't even put 1,2 mm fake plug in my ears now (just managed with one, my ear is still itchy but I like it). And I really wanna dye my hair, all hair. Maybe I will one day.

And most of all I wanna work with exactly this sort of people. People with tattoos and crazy ideas, no ties or formal shirts, no typical computer-guy t-shirts or plain blue jeans. And I know that those people exist and work on the stuff I'm interested in, maybe they are not many but they exist but I have no fucking idea where. I wanna get to no those cool people, the people to party with, and then I know I would finally enjoy a party, like ENJOY. God, please, where are those people, and how to get access to them... Where are those awesome guys with tattoos and cool hair??? Argh.

Plus yesterday I saw the videos of that girl on youtube. And no matter how stupid are the vids and how younger she is I love her hair and makeup and I want the same >< And the angelbite piercing, omg.


And the latest fascinations are:
- Black Veil Brides (and 2 months younger than me Andy Biersack =.=)
- Get Scared

Current Mood: jealous

Yes =)

I see the snow falling down and melting right after just outside my window. Nothing much, but still makes me a bit happy :) But I wait for the real snow :D

4.5 hrs of cleaning yesterday. Nobody to take the recyclable trash to the recycling place two streets from here. Nobody to pack overflowing recyclable paper from the closet to a paper bag and carry it 3 meters from here. As always, it's me. Everything will be fine if it only featured packing and carrying, but they totally don't care about how the pile is structured and that everything falls down once you touch it, and it doesn't have to be like that....
Then cleaned all the windows and mirrors and other glass stuff. Then vacuumed the floor. Cleaned the kitchen countertops, cleaned the cooker ever-soiled by the person from the last entry, who always cooks and doesn't care about being careful with the cooker I always clean. Made the dishes, twice.
That was yesterday.

Today, I cooked dinner for 1.5 hrs. Nobody said anything. I loved it, it was my favorite food. One would expect any comment, good/bad/what should be changed. Well, given previous experience, I didn't expect. It was just like my mom's, I'm happy, it was tasty. We ate, I rested a bit and spent another 0.5 hr on doing the dishes, which according to our policy I shouldn't. But the policy doesn't apply to me. Was proved already twice before. Plus, at 18 there were still plates from their breakfast, I washed mine right after eating. Well, thank you, I'm fed up with all that. I'm only on the looser position since I cannot study / focus if i don't have clean and structured surrounding around me. That's why, as much as possible I'm gonna spend time in library/at university, what I've already done last week.

Thank you for always showing your gratitude, dear flatmates, by telling me when we have next washing, or letting my hands rest from the constant washing the dishes/sinks/bathtube, or vacuuming in my stead because I barely can bear the sound of vacuum cleaner. I'm by no means the one who does most, I'm just the one who always does alone. It would be nice to just get some feedback once in a while.

Current Mood: bitchy

I so miss going to the gym. I hate nor being able to go here. I don't have time, that's the first problem, second it money. But the mire I think about it now the more u wanna go and maybe I'll try go asking this week, or check out a few gyms and puck the best. I need it like hell.

I even started exercising at home! when my flatmates are asleep, I still stay up, and just before going to bed I do a few minutes set if basic stomach and legs exercises. But that's nit even remotely resembling the workout at the gym. The bikes we use everyday are no good either. I just need to go to real gym and get the sweat out if me.

Let alone I eat too much again, well like at home, but at the same time I'm just sitting at home and not moving much. that doesn't help my (samopoczucie) and self-confidence.

It's decided. I'm going check out gym this week! I don't care about the pool (my flatmates go there) I need gym!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

I think it's finally getting to me that I'm not going on 2-week holidays but for much much longer.
Some shelves became quite empty, the space on my door where I kept various papers, photos, to-do lists also emptied.


One suitcase it's packed to its fullest, though there are no clothes there yet, only shoes, books and essentials. Second one will be packed tomorrow, but there's o much things left, not counting the clothes. I can't imagine how could I pack myself into just one suitcase, totally impossible.


It's all becoming a bit overwhelming. I did want to go, always, and I still want to go, but I'm getting scared. Until I packed those things I wasn't able to realize I'm going away for a year to survive on my own...

Current Mood: anxious